Absolute horror

I am catapulted back to the early feelings of loss and despair as I read about what our government is doing to children and families right now. To know that every minute children are isolated from everything familiar, from any comfort, thrown in literal cages—it is to much. And yet it must not be to much for us. We, I, must push through the trauma of loss, the self protective bubble that exists to prevent truly understanding this living nightmare because it is surely to much for them.

My daughter would be two today.

Today is the second anniversary of birth and death for S.  We have a lot of stress related to housing and a lot of joy related C.  Between the three of us we have been sick for over a month and we didn't plan anything notable this year.  For some reason I thought that would be okay but now I'm not so sure.  I'm up while C. is sleeping, in the dark quiet house .

I keep remembering the day or so leading up to this moment.  We knew that she would be born, it was no longer avoidable and the strategy shifted from saving her to having her without contractions to try to save G. I am brought back to the  antepartum room we had been staying in with the plant and lamp from home, the wall hanging covering the religious iconography, the quilt from my friend, the diffused light, trying to make ourselves presentable before rounds after sleepless nights.  We had gone over the plan in detail with Pat the 24 hour dr. who was on duty, everything from how we would start the mag and what it would feel like, to the light that would be wheeled in, to how to breakdown the bed but still that ultrasound that showed S. had slipped past my cervix was devastating and in some way still felt unexpected.  The prep ended up being mostly unnecessary, our MFM attended the delivery along with Pat and we moved to the labor and delivery side.  The mag blurred my vision so much that it was a struggle to see our sweet girl for her short life, I wasn't prepared for that.

How is it that I will never hold her? Never see her grow? Never hear her voice? The bottomlessness of this never is always just beyond my comprehension. My love for her is never enough to save her.

Grief

Ever since giving birth to G, I have had a noticeable tightness in my right leg, sometimes even a pain that runs the length of the inside of my leg. When I was first walking again I could not slip shoes on or off without using my hands to do so, the pain on that side of my vagina was too intense.  Perhaps it is just a coincidence but this is also the side of my body that the epidural did not work on.  I sometimes think of it as one of the small things I have left of them, my sweet babies.

We are moving across the country in less than a month. R has a new job and it is very exciting I'll (hopefully) get a few months off with C and then also find work. We are frantic with logistics including getting our house on the market by this Sunday and with C who chose this weekend to have an amazing developmental leap and sleep significantly less in the day. The job is great, the area is near where I attended undergrad and we are excited to be there.

And yet, as I pack I find myself sometimes covered in a blanket of grief. The door that I stood beside when I called R to tell her I was pregnant, the space on the sofa where I sat for a full day when we felt confident enough in our babies safety to order cribs and register, the bed I lay in when my water broke to soon, the place where I laid after losing S when I came home for two days still carrying G - where I felt him move like a gymnast, where R and my sister and I laid in a jumble and passed out the day after my month in the hospital was over and our babies were really and forever gone. These places will soon be gone too. And that will be one less thing, one less sharing between me and my missing babies.

Age Appropriate Language (and content)

We had thought through how we might talk to our theoretical adopted child about their hypothetical life story, however, real life with an actual child and an existing life story is a bit more complicated.  In our semi-open adoption, there are things we know and lots of things we don't know.  I had imagined creating the story with a birth family/mom and that just isn't in the cards for us, at least at this point.  There are some solid facts that are easy to tell in age appropriate pieces and then some solid facts that seem like they might hurt his sweet sweet feelings AND lots of things that are unknown.  I know that life is full of hurts and that love and healing balance things out (I am so hoping that is true); I am grateful that we have some time to think this through before he can understand what we are saying.

And so - a request. One of the biggest questions I have is how do we talk about his first mom's children who are at home with her?  Does anyone else have a similar situation with a domestic infant adoption?  So far, we have had one visit with her, however, we are in really different mental places, we are building a future with our son while she is grieving so I feel like the future of our relationship is completely unknown; I don't know if he will get to talk about this with her or meet his siblings. If you do have a similar situation, how have you talked about this with your child?

#microblogmondays

so sweet it actually hurts

Sleep is not easy to come by in our house right now. Little C currently has 5 approved sleeping locations and yet is currently sleeping in my arms while I blog one handed.  Last night he would only sleep if he was holding my hand in his co-sleeper.  When I tried to let go, whimpering ensued.  Arm twisting was required but it was totally worth it.

#microblogmondays

It's been a while...

We are a family of five, although to outsiders, we look like a family of three.  Our beautiful boy was born at the end of February, three days after his firstmom chose us for her adoption plan.  We held his firstmom's hand while he was delivered, I cut the cord and we spent two days together in the hospital before a very emotional goodbye.  One thing that was clear every second was the abundance of love for little C; it's a miracle the hospital could contain it all.  We have some pictures of C being held by his firstmom, all of us together and some of just us and him.  To say our lives have changed is an understatement.  Overwhelming love is the pervasive emotion, however, there is a mix of loss and sorrow even as joy fills our home.  We wish S & G were toddling around; I wish C's birth mom peace and love; I hope C will always feel loved as he comes to understand his history.

We have a semi-open adoption.  Through the process we had come to anticipate an open adoption so this is a little bit of a shift for us.  Our semi-open adoption includes weekly photos and/or videos sent to FM via one of the agency social workers, we committed to three visits a year at the agency, and photos every month (the monthly photos were agreed upon before we started texting so I am not sure what FM would like).  We have our first visit this week and it feels monumentous.  FM went through her legal process two weeks ago and she gave the agency permission to give us updates so we have heard that she is doing well within this context and we know she wore the birthstone necklace we gave her to the court hearing.  I have so much love for her and we have shared one of the most intimate and vulnerable human experiences with each other and yet we do not know each other very well.  During our time in the hospital we were all very kind, respectful and loving with each other and I hope that can evolve into a friendship or an ongoing familial relationship, even if our visits are just a few times a year (we are open to more openness and FM is clear about that, we are also respectful of her decision to maintain her boundaries).

I don't even know how to write about C, there aren't words to express how perfect and remarkable he is.  He started life as a pretty little guy but since his first week of breathing air has been gaining a pound a week!  He has changed so much, big smiles in response to neck kisses, really looking at his favorite toy (having a favorite toy!), grasping my shirt and hair.  I cannot get enough of him.  With an average of three to four hours of sleep a night I still wake up and can't wait to see him.

We had not made a nursery, after loosing S&G the idea of having a nursery set up for years in advance or possibly to never have a tiny resident felt like too much for us.  However, I have thought many times of Jess and Bryce's preparations with some envy.  Our family and friends rallied around us and Amazon prime was in heavy use, however we did not register so while almost everything ended up being what we needed some of it will be used in the future.  The agency says repeatedly the only thing you really need is a car seat, I would revise that and say some swaddles (halos!), bottles, pacifiers, changing table, co-sleeper or bassinet and/or pack-n-play, some cloths, a white noise machine and a cool-mist humidifier would really help out.  I mean, basically, I'm saying the nursery.  Because the glider and the boppy pillow were also blissful additions.  And since he has had a cold for the last 10 days a sterile saline mister and a nose frida have been helpful too.

I am working 6 hours a week mostly from home and R is working 50% for our FMLA period.  I am seriously considering a job change with a pause for right now to take care of him.  That is both terrifying (what if I don't find something else, what if I feel lost without the part of my identity that is a skilled worker, what if something happens and I've depleted all of our savings) and exhilarating (we wouldn't have to leave him with strangers during this incredibly vulnerable time).  Big decisions are particularly challenging with this level of emotion and sleep deprivation, really so are little decisions.

Perhaps it's obvious from this rambling post, I am so in love, exhausted, filled with wonder, worried about being the best parent I can be, and keeping him safe that I feel like a jumble.

A fortunate jumble.

#microblogmondays

Behind the waterfall

Have you ever stepped behind a waterfall?  There is the moment of bracing for the water--the feeling of anticipation, nervousness (especially if the water is cold) and excitement, anticipating and then feeling the force of the spray, the overwhelming feeling of water crashing down with a deafening roar followed by the feeling of otherworldliness.  The muffled sound of the rushing, crashing cascade fills the space behind, the space unseen from the outside.  Everything outside is muted.

On Tuesday we received a birth parent profile, on Wednesday we said please show our book, on Thursday we got a call to schedule an interview, on Friday we "interviewed" and the birth parent told us she had already chosen us.  On Friday night we bought a car seat, on Saturday we got some partially made food in the freezer, cleaned the house, washed the dog and did laundry.  On Sunday we finished our hospital bags, got snacks, made muffins and painted swatches for our nursery.

The birth mom is due today.

We know from experience anything can happen; we are standing in front of the waterfall hoping to find ourselves in an otherworldly space embracing all the complexities, sorrows and joys that come with this possible, miraculous new addition to our family.

#Microblogmondays

Everything happens for a reason.

Everyone reading this blog has probably heard that phrase and felt upset or angry or understands why that would be, you know, maybe not the worst thing you could say to a grieving parent, but definitely in the top five.  The other concepts that I have issues with are that positive thinking can change an outcome as well as that previous awful things had to happen to make whatever hoped for outcome occur now.

A close friend's parent was just diagnosed with a particularly awful cancer on Saturday and they are in the deep end--overwhelmed, scared with no plan in place.  We were driving out of town to go to the mountains to try to find some peace and be still with each other when we got the SOS.  We turned around.  I would never make these moments be about me or us but it was a real challenge. I do not believe things happen for a reason.  I believe things happen and we try to figure out how to go on.  I do not want to shake any of the very tentative supports the family is trying to hold onto.  It was a hard day.  

Not as hard as it was for the family.  I know that.

Holiday Travel

We are driving to my sister's house, partially because we feel the need to do something different to make it through the holiday and partially because it fits the urge to move, to run.  There will be a big storm coming through and we thought about leaving a day early to avoid it, but then we would be at my sister's on Christmas morning and we definitely don't want to do that.  I want to drive straight through what should have been our first Christmas with S and G and could have been our first Christmas with two tiny girls.  So here's hoping we don't wind up trapped, still, buried in snow and freezing cold.

Preparing for the end of Year One

I just finished reading Station 11, a quick good post-apocalyptic novel.  I am not writing to recommend it but to note that after the post-apocalyptic event that killed almost everyone the world began counting years, Year One, Year Two, etc.  Next month it will be Year One since my own post-apocalyptic event.  One year since my understanding of love and loss expanded exponentially.

The Infuriating Complications of Medical Billing

At the end of last week I think I finally resolved the last issue from the medical bills associated with losing S & G - that's approximately 8 months after leaving the hospital.  I have found the medical billing process to be inherently cruel, despite some very kind individuals functioning within it.

Nurses

Uncontrollable sobbing on the way to work this morning.  It was all this talk about the miss america pagent nurse - all I could think about were our nurses.

Revisiting a now dated draft: Beginning the Adoption Process

I originally started the post below several weeks ago and was reviewing it now that we have moved to the next step - officially beginning our home study.  We have our first interview this afternoon.  It is interesting to see how some of my emotions have shifted and some of my feelings have not.

Desire Under the Elms?

For at least two nights, I have fallen asleep with a half baked blog idea, something about tree roots connected to how difficult it was to get rid of the elm tree we had to cut down whose roots were EVERYWHERE in our front yard.  I know there was some connection to O'Neil's Desire Under the Elms and the role of the elms in that play but I have no idea what it is.  So...even though I might not be blogging while fully awake, apparently I am very busy writing a complex and likely very interesting blog in my sleep.

Bees

I love to look out at the garden, relax my eyes and become aware of all the busy bees buzzing everywhere.  The dark green tomato plants, punctuated by the  glowing orange of sungold cherries and the dark reds of the early girls, are freckled with tiny yellow flowers--future tomatoes. The lush green is framed by the brilliant purple russian sage and everything is all alive with bees.  The bees' translucent wings and fine hairs simmer in the heat as they erratically glide between flowers and plants.

Happy Birthday

Saturday was my birthday, never has the phrase "happy birthday" been so jarring.  As a child, alright even as an adult, I LOVED my birthday.  I called July my birthday month and sometimes stretched the Leo-esque celebration into August with the "well, it's two weeks before and two weeks after" rationale.  This year I asked folks who are close to me not to mark the day, with varying levels of compliance.

Be the best that you can be

Do you remember that commercial?  "Find your future in the aaaaaaaarmy."  That jingle brings up some comparisons between service and loss related PTSD - I was in a trauma informed service provision training last week where I didn't learn anything new about providing services but I did realize that I am moving through the world in my own sort of shell-shock.

Sample itinerary from the trip of grief and sorrow

7:15 am, wake up after third night in a row of terrible sleep due to inadequate air conditioning and odd blankets combined with no black out curtains.
8 am, email old friend from highschool who recently lost her mother because you dreamed about her and her mom.  Send carefully worded email mentioning that while you are experiencing different kinds of grief, you are thinking about her from your corner of this terrible world.

Traveling with spotty internet

I have thought of several different blog posts but been unable to get online when they are seeming clear.  Right now we are 1 week into our 3 week running away trip.  San Francisco is nice because I lived in about 15 years ago so I have some sense of the geography but it is unfamiliar and takes all of my attention to navigate.  Today is R's bday, tears started the day.  She thought we'd have three Geminis in the family to combat my singular Leo-ness, but we do not.  We took a bus part way to Japantown, walked up all the hills, had sushi, picked up two different desserts and walked the several miles back.  I think the physical activity, and the wine, is helping for a calmer end of the day.  Also the in and out of denial makes a pretty big difference in functionality.  Sunday we are off to Big Sur on our southern leg.

War and peace

A few nights ago I had a truly wicked nightmare. I dreamed that I killed two people.  Intentionally.  One I took to the forest and put in a deep pit of mulch where I knew wolves would be and the other I may have dismembered.  I did not see them die but I knew I had done it.  I didn't know why I did it and I felt so confused.  I woke up several times throughout the dream feeling sick about what I had done,  terrified that someone would find out and so so lonely.  When I woke up for the final time it took a long time before I realized I hadn't actually killed anyone.  That realization came with such a feeling of peace.  I am not a murderer.  Even though my cervix failed my children, I did not kill my babies. If I can hold onto that, let go of some of the guilt and just grieve for them I might be finding a path to live through this.

#microblogmonday