PagesThe Hospital: Trying to save our babies, moment by moment --via Caring Bridge

Monday, April 25, 2016

Age Appropriate Language (and content)

We had thought through how we might talk to our theoretical adopted child about their hypothetical life story, however, real life with an actual child and an existing life story is a bit more complicated.  In our semi-open adoption, there are things we know and lots of things we don't know.  I had imagined creating the story with a birth family/mom and that just isn't in the cards for us, at least at this point.  There are some solid facts that are easy to tell in age appropriate pieces and then some solid facts that seem like they might hurt his sweet sweet feelings AND lots of things that are unknown.  I know that life is full of hurts and that love and healing balance things out (I am so hoping that is true); I am grateful that we have some time to think this through before he can understand what we are saying.

And so - a request. One of the biggest questions I have is how do we talk about his first mom's children who are at home with her?  Does anyone else have a similar situation with a domestic infant adoption?  So far, we have had one visit with her, however, we are in really different mental places, we are building a future with our son while she is grieving so I feel like the future of our relationship is completely unknown; I don't know if he will get to talk about this with her or meet his siblings. If you do have a similar situation, how have you talked about this with your child?



  1. I don't have this situation, but do you read Lavender Luz ( She always finds the right words in difficult situations.

  2. I agree with Mel, I'm sure Lori Lavender Luz has some wise words on this. I don't have any yet, but know that some of the words you're given to say don't quite work when there are children at home and your child was placed. That's tough to explain for sure. I hope you get the answers you seek and things unfold in your semi-open relationship in a way that works for Little C.

  3. Okay... so I had this great original idea and then saw Mel & Jess say it before me... Lori Holden (aka lori lavender luz) is a lovely person & open adoption is what she knows best. She's been through it herself & written a great book to help others... I worked for the Health Department when a client came in with her child at the same time her "first family" came in with their adoptive mother. It's amazing how much more accepting kids can be than adults when things are handled properly.

  4. Nothing further to add. Just wishing you the best.