A few nights ago I had a truly wicked nightmare. I dreamed that I killed two people. Intentionally. One I took to the forest and put in a deep pit of mulch where I knew wolves would be and the other I may have dismembered. I did not see them die but I knew I had done it. I didn't know why I did it and I felt so confused. I woke up several times throughout the dream feeling sick about what I had done, terrified that someone would find out and so so lonely. When I woke up for the final time it took a long time before I realized I hadn't actually killed anyone. That realization came with such a feeling of peace. I am not a murderer. Even though my cervix failed my children, I did not kill my babies. If I can hold onto that, let go of some of the guilt and just grieve for them I might be finding a path to live through this.