PagesThe Hospital: Trying to save our babies, moment by moment --via Caring Bridge

Monday, June 22, 2015

Sample itinerary from the trip of grief and sorrow

7:15 am, wake up after third night in a row of terrible sleep due to inadequate air conditioning and odd blankets combined with no black out curtains.
8 am, email old friend from highschool who recently lost her mother because you dreamed about her and her mom.  Send carefully worded email mentioning that while you are experiencing different kinds of grief, you are thinking about her from your corner of this terrible world.

9 am, participate in yoga by the bay.  Enjoy the relatively easy session and try not to cry when instructed to find gratitude.
10:15, change out of sweaty clothes.
10:30 eat complimentary breakfast in overpriced dining facility.  Try to ignore cheerful children posing math questions to relatives, "OK OK here's a hard one, you have to answer this one all by yourself.  How much is 1,000 take away 3?" Enjoy time with your wife, despite ongoing grief.
11:45 am, receive email from old friend mentioned above.  Try to focus on her intent rather than the phrase, "I hope you get to experience true motherhood."
Noon, return to room to figure out next step, cry off and on for about an hour and a half.
1:30 Get It Together. Cut up vegetables (novelty food on this trip) and pack things up to go to the beach.
2:00 Get to beach.  Find that it is surprisingly warm. Sit on the surfing side to minimize cute toddlers.  Have brief moment when toddler and parent are on the Wrong Side of the divide and wife thinks about G's tiny premie nipples and wonders why he isn't still alive.
2:30 put feet in ocean, find that it is also not to cold.  Spend next hour or so enjoying being thrown around by the waves while your wife body surfs and grins.  Love her real hard.
4:00 return to blanket covered in goosebumps.  Eat vegetables, flip through million dollar real estate magazine.  Insist that we can afford a house here and probably should move here and then find jobs.
5:00 return towels before being charged $10 each, shower, appreciate that despite the 25 lbs weight gain mostly in thighs and belly - butt still looks good.
5:30 write part of a blog post while waiting to participate in TCF chat to try to maintain self-care.
6 chat with caring parents who have all lost a child.
7 rush to quickly catch the free ferry across the bay to get to dinner reservations at 8 pm
7:45 get into emotionally charged almost silent argument with your wife as a result of trying to get to a dinner reservation on a crowded boardwalk after loosing your two beautiful children.
7:55 watch sunset while trying to complete the therapist approved STOP technique to have a moment of repair.
8:05 make dinner reservation.  Love your wife so much.
8:20 order food in incredibly loud two-week old restaurant, enjoy beautiful view of silver ocean
9 receive said food now that you are almost dead of starvation, find it delicious, order more, eat random things from the menu.
10:10 pay check, use restroom and realize there is NO SOAP despite seeing SERVERS in the restroom. Depart for return ferry.
10:30 ride ferry with a very drunk wedding party and an insanely loud dj because quiet family ferry turns into pseudo-booze cruise after 9.  Be sure to note, it is a federal offense to jump into the bay although no one on the boat can tell you what the law or mandate is.
11 get stomach ache from either weird foods eaten or stress associated with loosing two parts of yourself.
11:15 drink mint tea that your wife makes you.
11:30 watch the Bachelorette streaming online until 1 am.


  1. There are some lovely things here, bobbing around in your sea of grief. I hope that each day of your vacation finds you finding a little more peace, or the space to process all that's happened and all that you've lost. It's so hard to comprehend what could have been and isn't, and hard not to see that in the world around you, constantly. I hope it gets a little easier each day. Your wife sounds amazing, the love and comfort you share really comes through in this post.

  2. I agree that you find these beautiful moments amid the grief. There is so much love in here, to your wife, to S+G, to live in general.