Do you remember that commercial? "Find your future in the aaaaaaaarmy." That jingle brings up some comparisons between service and loss related PTSD - I was in a trauma informed service provision training last week where I didn't learn anything new about providing services but I did realize that I am moving through the world in my own sort of shell-shock.
Constantly being triggered and trying desperately to compartmentalize and get through each day while still trying to be the "best" and make sure that I am processing how I am feeling even when I am repressing. I have always felt like I have to be the best or one of the best, best performance evaluations, best innovations, best communication, best supervisor. This same internal pressure is causing me to feel like I have best grief process. Although thankfully sometimes what that is changes or I probably would be busy being the best at finding an even lower low. At first I thought loosing the pregnancy weight would be the best but then when that proved impossible I decided that accepting the pregnancy weight would be the best. I need my relationship with R to be the best relationship, I expect us to stumble but for us to quickly find solutions to our conflicts and be the best conflict solvers ever. These are just two examples of many I could name, one more and then I'll move on. I took on a consulting job in the evenings for the last several weeks - why would I do that? Oh that's right because I have to be the best I can be.
I find myself wishing I had a faith tradition to buffer some of this, like "let go and let God." But I don't. Occasionally I wish I could take an alcohol or drug induced break from this but I guess that's the one time this pressure is a saving grace. What have you found helps you keep moving forward, or at least standing still, in a healthy, or relatively healthy way?