We are both excited for our conversation today, the class was helpful.
Excitement definitely seems like a good sign.
As we head into the mandatory two-day class necessary to enter the adoption pool at the agency we've begun working with we are both feeling waves of emotion. R worried on our walk two-days ago that a new baby would seem to replace our first children. I am struck by the difference between the exuberant excitement others seem to have when launching forward on to this path and the extreme caution I feel. At first I felt that perhaps this indicated it was too soon to begin this process but after more reflection I think I may just never feel as excited about the prospect of having a baby as others might. I know what it feels like to believe that we will have babies to raise only to be left grasping for the brief memories and the what ifs; I know what it feels like to rearrange life to accommodate tiny twins and to instead be accommodating overwhelming grief. I may not feel excited until or unless we have our child in our arms with all final documents signed. My heart has the capacity for love but my expectations are raw.