PagesThe Hospital: Trying to save our babies, moment by moment --via Caring Bridge

Monday, December 14, 2015

Preparing for the end of Year One

I just finished reading Station 11, a quick good post-apocalyptic novel.  I am not writing to recommend it but to note that after the post-apocalyptic event that killed almost everyone the world began counting years, Year One, Year Two, etc.  Next month it will be Year One since my own post-apocalyptic event.  One year since my understanding of love and loss expanded exponentially.
We are trying to identify some strategies to help us survive this month.  I wish we could run away for a while, a break from work would probably help us keep going in a healthy way.  The impossibility is that we would need to take the whole month off, January 6 - went for growth scan, admitted to ER.  fight fight fight. January 17, tiny S is born and dies on my heart. fight fight fight. January 29 my beautiful son is born and dies in my wife's hands.  How will we survive this myriad of anniversaries?  I truly welcome suggestions.

Making life a bit more complicated for us, we've now experienced the ups and downs of adoption.  We went live with our adoption book about two months ago.  The first birth parent to look at any books at the agency asked to meet us, we met, we were matched.  The birth mom went into pre-term labor, which was not unexpected as she was carrying twins.  During her time in the hospital, she decided to parent*.  I have made this story so short and of course, it wasn't.  Family and employers were notified, we toured and prepared to set up camp at the NICU.  We assessed our finances and determined I could take a year off work if need be.  Our future Shifted.  And then Shifted Back.  The back is a particularly difficult shift.

And now, sights set on February.


*I am focusing on my reactions to loosing the possibility of parenting here.  I fully recognize and respect the birth parent's right to change her mind and in fact consider this outcome so much better than if she had moved forward, relinquished custody and then regretted that decision -- for all of us.


  1. I loved Station Eleven, thought it was just beautiful. I love your comparison to your own post-apocalyptic event, but feel for you for all the upcoming dates that commemorate such tragic loss. I am sorry that you have experienced a failed match...even with respecting the birthmother's right to change her mind, that must have been devastating. I hope for a better outcome with your next match, and for so much nurturing and care during January.

  2. A huge sigh. You're right -- best for all involved, but it doesn't change the fact that emotions were inadvertently taken for a ride. I'm sorry about that, especially during a time that already is difficult.

  3. Anniversaries, and often, the lead-up to them, are so difficult. Especially at this time of year. I feel for you, and hope it passes with memories of love as well as pain.

    On top of that to have to deal with the future shifting. And then back. Another loss, and one to be grieved too. Be kind to yourselves during this time.