Behind the waterfall

Have you ever stepped behind a waterfall?  There is the moment of bracing for the water--the feeling of anticipation, nervousness (especially if the water is cold) and excitement, anticipating and then feeling the force of the spray, the overwhelming feeling of water crashing down with a deafening roar followed by the feeling of otherworldliness.  The muffled sound of the rushing, crashing cascade fills the space behind, the space unseen from the outside.  Everything outside is muted.

On Tuesday we received a birth parent profile, on Wednesday we said please show our book, on Thursday we got a call to schedule an interview, on Friday we "interviewed" and the birth parent told us she had already chosen us.  On Friday night we bought a car seat, on Saturday we got some partially made food in the freezer, cleaned the house, washed the dog and did laundry.  On Sunday we finished our hospital bags, got snacks, made muffins and painted swatches for our nursery.

The birth mom is due today.

We know from experience anything can happen; we are standing in front of the waterfall hoping to find ourselves in an otherworldly space embracing all the complexities, sorrows and joys that come with this possible, miraculous new addition to our family.

#Microblogmondays

Everything happens for a reason.

Everyone reading this blog has probably heard that phrase and felt upset or angry or understands why that would be, you know, maybe not the worst thing you could say to a grieving parent, but definitely in the top five.  The other concepts that I have issues with are that positive thinking can change an outcome as well as that previous awful things had to happen to make whatever hoped for outcome occur now.

A close friend's parent was just diagnosed with a particularly awful cancer on Saturday and they are in the deep end--overwhelmed, scared with no plan in place.  We were driving out of town to go to the mountains to try to find some peace and be still with each other when we got the SOS.  We turned around.  I would never make these moments be about me or us but it was a real challenge. I do not believe things happen for a reason.  I believe things happen and we try to figure out how to go on.  I do not want to shake any of the very tentative supports the family is trying to hold onto.  It was a hard day.  

Not as hard as it was for the family.  I know that.

Holiday Travel

We are driving to my sister's house, partially because we feel the need to do something different to make it through the holiday and partially because it fits the urge to move, to run.  There will be a big storm coming through and we thought about leaving a day early to avoid it, but then we would be at my sister's on Christmas morning and we definitely don't want to do that.  I want to drive straight through what should have been our first Christmas with S and G and could have been our first Christmas with two tiny girls.  So here's hoping we don't wind up trapped, still, buried in snow and freezing cold.

Preparing for the end of Year One

I just finished reading Station 11, a quick good post-apocalyptic novel.  I am not writing to recommend it but to note that after the post-apocalyptic event that killed almost everyone the world began counting years, Year One, Year Two, etc.  Next month it will be Year One since my own post-apocalyptic event.  One year since my understanding of love and loss expanded exponentially.

The Infuriating Complications of Medical Billing

At the end of last week I think I finally resolved the last issue from the medical bills associated with losing S & G - that's approximately 8 months after leaving the hospital.  I have found the medical billing process to be inherently cruel, despite some very kind individuals functioning within it.

Nurses

Uncontrollable sobbing on the way to work this morning.  It was all this talk about the miss america pagent nurse - all I could think about were our nurses.

Revisiting a now dated draft: Beginning the Adoption Process

I originally started the post below several weeks ago and was reviewing it now that we have moved to the next step - officially beginning our home study.  We have our first interview this afternoon.  It is interesting to see how some of my emotions have shifted and some of my feelings have not.