Revisiting a now dated draft: Beginning the Adoption Process

I originally started the post below several weeks ago and was reviewing it now that we have moved to the next step - officially beginning our home study.  We have our first interview this afternoon.  It is interesting to see how some of my emotions have shifted and some of my feelings have not.

Desire Under the Elms?

For at least two nights, I have fallen asleep with a half baked blog idea, something about tree roots connected to how difficult it was to get rid of the elm tree we had to cut down whose roots were EVERYWHERE in our front yard.  I know there was some connection to O'Neil's Desire Under the Elms and the role of the elms in that play but I have no idea what it is.  So...even though I might not be blogging while fully awake, apparently I am very busy writing a complex and likely very interesting blog in my sleep.

Bees

I love to look out at the garden, relax my eyes and become aware of all the busy bees buzzing everywhere.  The dark green tomato plants, punctuated by the  glowing orange of sungold cherries and the dark reds of the early girls, are freckled with tiny yellow flowers--future tomatoes. The lush green is framed by the brilliant purple russian sage and everything is all alive with bees.  The bees' translucent wings and fine hairs simmer in the heat as they erratically glide between flowers and plants.

Happy Birthday

Saturday was my birthday, never has the phrase "happy birthday" been so jarring.  As a child, alright even as an adult, I LOVED my birthday.  I called July my birthday month and sometimes stretched the Leo-esque celebration into August with the "well, it's two weeks before and two weeks after" rationale.  This year I asked folks who are close to me not to mark the day, with varying levels of compliance.

Be the best that you can be

Do you remember that commercial?  "Find your future in the aaaaaaaarmy."  That jingle brings up some comparisons between service and loss related PTSD - I was in a trauma informed service provision training last week where I didn't learn anything new about providing services but I did realize that I am moving through the world in my own sort of shell-shock.

Sample itinerary from the trip of grief and sorrow

7:15 am, wake up after third night in a row of terrible sleep due to inadequate air conditioning and odd blankets combined with no black out curtains.
8 am, email old friend from highschool who recently lost her mother because you dreamed about her and her mom.  Send carefully worded email mentioning that while you are experiencing different kinds of grief, you are thinking about her from your corner of this terrible world.

Traveling with spotty internet

I have thought of several different blog posts but been unable to get online when they are seeming clear.  Right now we are 1 week into our 3 week running away trip.  San Francisco is nice because I lived in about 15 years ago so I have some sense of the geography but it is unfamiliar and takes all of my attention to navigate.  Today is R's bday, tears started the day.  She thought we'd have three Geminis in the family to combat my singular Leo-ness, but we do not.  We took a bus part way to Japantown, walked up all the hills, had sushi, picked up two different desserts and walked the several miles back.  I think the physical activity, and the wine, is helping for a calmer end of the day.  Also the in and out of denial makes a pretty big difference in functionality.  Sunday we are off to Big Sur on our southern leg.