Bees

I love to look out at the garden, relax my eyes and become aware of all the busy bees buzzing everywhere.  The dark green tomato plants, punctuated by the  glowing orange of sungold cherries and the dark reds of the early girls, are freckled with tiny yellow flowers--future tomatoes. The lush green is framed by the brilliant purple russian sage and everything is all alive with bees.  The bees' translucent wings and fine hairs simmer in the heat as they erratically glide between flowers and plants.

Happy Birthday

Saturday was my birthday, never has the phrase "happy birthday" been so jarring.  As a child, alright even as an adult, I LOVED my birthday.  I called July my birthday month and sometimes stretched the Leo-esque celebration into August with the "well, it's two weeks before and two weeks after" rationale.  This year I asked folks who are close to me not to mark the day, with varying levels of compliance.

Be the best that you can be

Do you remember that commercial?  "Find your future in the aaaaaaaarmy."  That jingle brings up some comparisons between service and loss related PTSD - I was in a trauma informed service provision training last week where I didn't learn anything new about providing services but I did realize that I am moving through the world in my own sort of shell-shock.

Sample itinerary from the trip of grief and sorrow

7:15 am, wake up after third night in a row of terrible sleep due to inadequate air conditioning and odd blankets combined with no black out curtains.
8 am, email old friend from highschool who recently lost her mother because you dreamed about her and her mom.  Send carefully worded email mentioning that while you are experiencing different kinds of grief, you are thinking about her from your corner of this terrible world.

Traveling with spotty internet

I have thought of several different blog posts but been unable to get online when they are seeming clear.  Right now we are 1 week into our 3 week running away trip.  San Francisco is nice because I lived in about 15 years ago so I have some sense of the geography but it is unfamiliar and takes all of my attention to navigate.  Today is R's bday, tears started the day.  She thought we'd have three Geminis in the family to combat my singular Leo-ness, but we do not.  We took a bus part way to Japantown, walked up all the hills, had sushi, picked up two different desserts and walked the several miles back.  I think the physical activity, and the wine, is helping for a calmer end of the day.  Also the in and out of denial makes a pretty big difference in functionality.  Sunday we are off to Big Sur on our southern leg.

War and peace

A few nights ago I had a truly wicked nightmare. I dreamed that I killed two people.  Intentionally.  One I took to the forest and put in a deep pit of mulch where I knew wolves would be and the other I may have dismembered.  I did not see them die but I knew I had done it.  I didn't know why I did it and I felt so confused.  I woke up several times throughout the dream feeling sick about what I had done,  terrified that someone would find out and so so lonely.  When I woke up for the final time it took a long time before I realized I hadn't actually killed anyone.  That realization came with such a feeling of peace.  I am not a murderer.  Even though my cervix failed my children, I did not kill my babies. If I can hold onto that, let go of some of the guilt and just grieve for them I might be finding a path to live through this.

#microblogmonday

The New Laughter: Hysteria and Emptiness

Laughter hasn't been to frequent of a visitor lately, but there have been some moments, particularly when with people who deeply understand loss when I have laughed hard.  I've had two responses, one is to feel like I am watching myself and a hollowness engulfs me and the other is to feel a little like I can't stop.  The edge of hysterical.  That has happened twice now.  Has anyone else felt like this?