Or a crystal in the light? Just when my eyes seem to have conceptualized the awful totality, a slight breeze or a cloud or the earth's rotation shifts the input and fragmented light blinds me with new glare, more or less intense, striking a chord within me that I didn't know existed. Over and over and over. I am so restless and yet not able to focus long enough to create a plan or solution to this irritable lack of peace. I can understand the appeal of drugs and alcohol, perhaps to numb these feelings, perhaps to make everything seem as strange and unfamiliar as this devastating loss.
We now have all the pieces to put together our babies memorial cards with the invitations to their service and the thank you cards. Photos of our tiny babies accompanied by their unbelievably small and perfect footprints, together on the page as they never were outside the womb. The last step is for me to glue the tiny hearts I crocheted to the slips of pink card stock thanking everyone for their kindnesses. I can't quite make myself. It's not a hard task. These hearts have been one of my primary coping mechanisms, when I feel like I can't breathe, when I'm overwhelmed with the idea of time continuing, I have been able to focus on each of the three stitches necessary to make a heart. Magic ring, chain four, triple crochet three, double crochet three, triple crochet one and repeat in reverse. Like my experience as a mom, this is a very limited activity. I learned these three stitches from youtube and have never crocheted anything else. Glueing these hearts to cards announcing our babies' life and death is another finalization of their permanent absence.
My love and grief are creating tangible shifts in the light, just enough to render me blind and directionless.