PagesThe Hospital: Trying to save our babies, moment by moment --via Caring Bridge

Saturday, March 21, 2015

exploding lawnmowers and dog poop

Woke up this morning as the overwhelming sadness crashed over me and pulled me in.  Why are some days so much harder than others?  I dreamed last night that I was responsible for keeping the tiniest elephant alive; it fit in the palm of my hand.  I kept forgetting it needed me and then scrambling to make sure it had water and food and was warm enough.  It drank water out of the palm of my other hand.  I could feel its tiny trunk brushing against me. I decided to mow the lawn to try to move around, do something that would have visible results and not require any thinking.  Then smoke and poop.  There you have it, can't take care of my dream elephant, can't mow the lawn.  Breathing - so far that is the only task I've successfully managed today.


  1. I so get it - those days when breathing is all one can manage and there are no troughs between the grief waves. Those days, breathing is enough.

  2. Some days you just gotta breathing a job well done and call it a day! I had a few of those days - I'd just take to my bed like a Victorian lady who had the vapours and hope for a brighter tomorrow.