The cable's out. No cable repair for a week. I thought about telling the customer service representative that my babies died and the tv is a sort of drug that I cannot stand to go without, that HGTV must be playing in the background of my lonely days, but I managed not to.
I have been mostly avoiding music. Music with my mom were some of my happiest childhood memories. I had a anxious feeling during my pregnancy when I realized my music collection isn't up to snuff. How could I be a good mom without the White Album? What kind of parent doesn't even own the White Album? Then I realized everything is on youtube and I calmed down. I had thought we would rock and sing, dance and sing, clean and sing. Every song I heard I imagined hearing again with my son and daughter. Now it stings, all songs.
In the absence of cable I turned on a documentary about Neil Young*. Only it isn't a documentary, just a concert with a casual lead-in while everyone is driving to the venue. And I am on the sofa after my first day back at work, after receiving a message from a distant friend excitedly asking if I've had the babies, reading loss blogs, cold, wrapped in a blanket and all of a sudden I felt a little warmer. Not my feet, they're freezing, but my heart. My shredded heart feels a little softer.
Is it okay for me to feel comfort? Am I letting my babies down? I didn't even know that I felt like I had to only think of them, that I felt like if there wasn't succor for them there could not be any for me either. Am I less of a mom if I can relax for a minute? I am full of S and G, every minute, that remains steady and unchangeable. Tears streaming down my cheeks, this moment of almost comfort, is full of sadness a sort of peaceful sadness.
*Music from my childhood and youth--no indie rock, blues or folk here today.