A few nights ago I had a truly wicked nightmare. I dreamed that I killed two people. Intentionally. One I took to the forest and put in a deep pit of mulch where I knew wolves would be and the other I may have dismembered. I did not see them die but I knew I had done it. I didn't know why I did it and I felt so confused. I woke up several times throughout the dream feeling sick about what I had done, terrified that someone would find out and so so lonely. When I woke up for the final time it took a long time before I realized I hadn't actually killed anyone. That realization came with such a feeling of peace. I am not a murderer. Even though my cervix failed my children, I did not kill my babies. If I can hold onto that, let go of some of the guilt and just grieve for them I might be finding a path to live through this.
#microblogmonday
It is tough losing babies. I never got a solid answer as to why I lost mine, and I blamed myself for so long. It destroys you. I am glad you know that you are not at fault. So many women cannot see that their loss is not their fault. Stay strong.
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Such a scary dream; the way the subconscious sneaks into our sleeping moments. But you know, you KNOW that you're not a murderer. That what happened was outside of your control.
ReplyDeleteWhat a visceral dream, to wake up and go right back into it multiple times. No, you are not a murderer. I hope that this dream served that purpose to realize that you and that monster killing and dismembering and burying in the woods are not at all the same person, and that your tragedy was awful and senseless but not at all your doing. Easier said than done, I know. You write about such deep pain with so much beauty.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about what happened. I hope you can let go of some of the guilt you are feeling at the moment and find a way to heal.
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