My mother is a cartographer by training. [I am not, so this is not an inexact description.] It is possible to look through a lens down at a photograph of a landscape and the shadows of the clouds on the mountains will reveal the time of day that the picture was taken. Capturing a still image of a transient shadow of something almost insubstantial creates a permanent time stamp. The babies nursery has one wall painted purple, the others still cream. One giant giraffe. Two dressers. One baby bath. Drawers full of baby clothes. A gift bag full of sympathy cards. A permanent time stamp.
I struggle with the urge to finish the nursery. To hang their names on the wall, to reorder the returned cribs. To unfold the handmade blankets. To have a room finished and permanent. To further encrypt the message currently stamped on the room, to make the message unavailable to anyone without the appropriate lens, without the key. And then to loose the key, to hold the nursery as a marker for them, of them. To deny the message entirely.
A gorgeous way of setting up the lens. So sad that you need to look through it.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful, heartbreaking post. The phrase "A gift bag full of sympathy cards. A permanent time stamp." filled my eyes with tears. And "To have a room finished and permanent." I'm so sorry that this is your pain, but thank you for sharing it in the most beautiful way.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your losses. I keep my basket of sympathy cards next to my bed. Our losses were earlier ... Although we already had a crib set up for adoption before finding out we were pregnant. Walking by that empty crib was so hard. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful written post. I hope you can find the perfect way to honor their memory. Trees planted in the yard, a tattoo, something to help you remember them.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for the loss of your children. Beautifully written post. In time you will know what to do with the space. Take picture of it. Maybe make a collage with the photos and clippings from baby catalogs to finish it the way you imagined.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful, heart-rending post. I read The Hospital first, and was in tears by the time I came here. I'm so very sorry.
ReplyDeleteillustr8d
This is a really beautiful post. Such imagery and such pain. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful and sad...and Lord knows I can identify.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss. Words are in no way sufficient. I am thinking of you and sending warm hugs your way.
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