I am afraid that returning to work will make it seem like my babies were just a skip in the record. Songs playing in predetermined order and then, oops, dust on the needle, glad it wasn't something that would have ruined the record. My babies are the record, the needle, and the song, anything that plays from now on exists within the skip.
I am trying to figure out something that my wife and I could do this summer, like a vacation, but without the expectations that go along with that word. A vacation is what happy people do or people at least trying to be happy. Who can say where we'll mentally be in June but I'm confident it won't be vacation happy. How do you plan a vacation from within the skip?
We actually talked to a travel agent even though we don't have a lot to spend. We cannot figure it out and heard they will now plan small trips. We made her tear up at work. We realized in the moment that we needed to say that we lost our children b/c we have to be somewhere without a lot of children and joyous children sounds. Probably not something that every walk-in says with our level of urgency. Days later we went to see a jeweler because I would really like to have a ring to represent my babies. I want something tangible and unique that I can touch constantly. R had met the jeweler before and really liked him so we checked to make sure he had time and went to his studio/store. In describing what we wanted of course we said we had lost both our children. He had greeted us jovially until we said why we were there. It immediately looked like someone had punched him in the gut and he began crying.
There is something I appreciate in these emotional responses, a feeling of connectivity and community. At the same time I also feel guilt, for revealing the skip to an unsuspecting, caring person. It seems like we should be wearing a signal, mourning attire or the sign they put on our door in the hospital. Something to warn people because there are a lot of people at my work and a whole lotta people on vacation.
Mourning attire seems to have gone out of custom. I think that's a bad thing. In the Jewish community (at least my version)) mourners wear a small black ribblo that has a cut in it to represent loss, and that does help people who know with their expectations. In a way, though, you give strangers a gift by letting them touch your pain - a reflection of pain they have felt or will feel at some point. Loss is pretty universal. i am glad you will have your ring as concrete, personal reminders often help alot.
ReplyDeleteProbably no one has or will notice but I have been wearing at least one black thing everyday. That's my way of holding vigil right now... I would love to give a signal to modify expectations. I am usually or I used to be a very enthusiastic, witty person and now I cannot possibly summon that kind of energy.
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