The cable's out. No cable repair for a week. I thought about telling the customer service representative that my babies died and the tv is a sort of drug that I cannot stand to go without, that HGTV must be playing in the background of my lonely days, but I managed not to.
I have been mostly avoiding music. Music with my mom were some of my happiest childhood memories. I had a anxious feeling during my pregnancy when I realized my music collection isn't up to snuff. How could I be a good mom without the White Album? What kind of parent doesn't even own the White Album? Then I realized everything is on youtube and I calmed down. I had thought we would rock and sing, dance and sing, clean and sing. Every song I heard I imagined hearing again with my son and daughter. Now it stings, all songs.
In the absence of cable I turned on a documentary about Neil Young*. Only it isn't a documentary, just a concert with a casual lead-in while everyone is driving to the venue. And I am on the sofa after my first day back at work, after receiving a message from a distant friend excitedly asking if I've had the babies, reading loss blogs, cold, wrapped in a blanket and all of a sudden I felt a little warmer. Not my feet, they're freezing, but my heart. My shredded heart feels a little softer.
Is it okay for me to feel comfort? Am I letting my babies down? I didn't even know that I felt like I had to only think of them, that I felt like if there wasn't succor for them there could not be any for me either. Am I less of a mom if I can relax for a minute? I am full of S and G, every minute, that remains steady and unchangeable. Tears streaming down my cheeks, this moment of almost comfort, is full of sadness a sort of peaceful sadness.
*Music from my childhood and youth--no indie rock, blues or folk here today.
To feel those moments of comfort is as natural and necessary as feeling the grief waves crash. Life force returns in waves too, those seconds when your heart is lighter, warmer. In my experience those waves come more frequently and last longer with time and the grief waves gradually become smaller and farther apart, as well as less frightening because of their familiarity. That process doesn't mean we love less - just makes us human.
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