Ever since giving birth to G, I have had a noticeable tightness in my right leg, sometimes even a pain that runs the length of the inside of my leg. When I was first walking again I could not slip shoes on or off without using my hands to do so, the pain on that side of my vagina was too intense. Perhaps it is just a coincidence but this is also the side of my body that the epidural did not work on. I sometimes think of it as one of the small things I have left of them, my sweet babies.
We are moving across the country in less than a month. R has a new job and it is very exciting I'll (hopefully) get a few months off with C and then also find work. We are frantic with logistics including getting our house on the market by this Sunday and with C who chose this weekend to have an amazing developmental leap and sleep significantly less in the day. The job is great, the area is near where I attended undergrad and we are excited to be there.
And yet, as I pack I find myself sometimes covered in a blanket of grief. The door that I stood beside when I called R to tell her I was pregnant, the space on the sofa where I sat for a full day when we felt confident enough in our babies safety to order cribs and register, the bed I lay in when my water broke to soon, the place where I laid after losing S when I came home for two days still carrying G - where I felt him move like a gymnast, where R and my sister and I laid in a jumble and passed out the day after my month in the hospital was over and our babies were really and forever gone. These places will soon be gone too. And that will be one less thing, one less sharing between me and my missing babies.
Time marches on and things all around you change, but that grief will always be there, and it is like a sharing between you and your missing babies. It is hard to move forward and feel like you're leaving something important behind in your home and the memories (though painful) that tie you to your babies there, but you write so beautifully about your grieving experience and your babies will always be a part of who you are, even as the scenery changes. I'm thinking of you and all these thoughts and the transitions and changes that you face. Congratulations on the move, I hope you get that time with C!
ReplyDeleteWhat a hard goodbye, even if you're leaving for a really good reason. But you are carrying so much of that connection with you; from memories to the very cells that moved between their bodies and yours.
ReplyDeleteI don't really know what to say, other than to echo Jess and Mel's comments that your babies will always be with you, no matter where you are. That love will never go.
ReplyDeleteI understand this; we moved from our old house last month, and it was hard to know that we were leaving behind the places that made them real. Yes, we carry them with us, but there will also be a piece of memory--the visceral piece, perhaps--that we leave behind. Sending you lots of love as you move through this transition time.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love to you... I think sometimes circumstances nudge us in a direction to start new and necessary emotional chapters. I agree with the others. I know it's not at all what you've been through... but my dad was around at my old apartment and he's been around here in our new house. I (half)joke that since he's been dead he's visited twice as often as when he was alive.
ReplyDeleteThe house will be gone, but the memory of all that it held is still there.
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