We are both excited for our conversation today, the class was helpful.
Excitement definitely seems like a good sign.
As we head into the mandatory two-day class necessary to enter the adoption pool at the agency we've begun working with we are both feeling waves of emotion. R worried on our walk two-days ago that a new baby would seem to replace our first children. I am struck by the difference between the exuberant excitement others seem to have when launching forward on to this path and the extreme caution I feel. At first I felt that perhaps this indicated it was too soon to begin this process but after more reflection I think I may just never feel as excited about the prospect of having a baby as others might. I know what it feels like to believe that we will have babies to raise only to be left grasping for the brief memories and the what ifs; I know what it feels like to rearrange life to accommodate tiny twins and to instead be accommodating overwhelming grief. I may not feel excited until or unless we have our child in our arms with all final documents signed. My heart has the capacity for love but my expectations are raw.
Caution would I think be my primary reaction too. Wishing you well. Hope the interview makes it seem real.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on moving forward with the adoption process even if it is bittersweet. I know how that feeling of not excited feels- I think of it a reluctance to believe (for me). I hope you reach that child in your arms goal soon.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on having the classes complete and the homestudy interviews upon you. I think it is perfectly reasonable to have raw expectations, to feel more cautious than excited. People come to adoption from all kinds of experiences, and the level of excitement varies. I actually felt at our own classes that I sounded like a downer most of the time -- when we did the mock-receiving-a-profile-opportunity-call, I sounded kind of scared and hesitant, whereas the woman who went after me was all bubbly and full of excitement. I can't help but feel a little cynically like most people have that bubbly outward excitement because that's what looks best to the agency... that everyone has some level of fear if they come from a place of grief and loss. Or maybe they really are that excited outwardly. I think you can be excited and scared of loss/burned by your grief/worried about feelings of replacement all at the same time. My feelings have shifted to mostly excitement with reasonable, logical caution mixed in, but I did not endure a loss such as yours and so my baggage to the adoption table is different. A shift is good, but that grief will pop up from time to time. I am excited for you, for this new pathway, and hope that it brings you a sense of hope for the future.
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