PagesThe Hospital: Trying to save our babies, moment by moment --via Caring Bridge

Monday, May 18, 2015


Yesterday we squished approximately 75 crickets and dropped, maybe, 200 slugs in soapy water.  For some reason all my (too small) bathing suits are in the babies' room and, in preparation for our vacation, I had to retrieve them to try bottoms on, so in addition to mass murder, I went into the almost nursery.*  We did not fill out the adoption agency's application form.  We did not buy groceries for the week.  We did not go to bed at a normal hour.  I then had dreams about finding insect infestations on our plants until I gave up and got out of bed at 5:15 this morning.  I still didn't make it to work until 8:30.  This is what functioning looks like.

*Tops are another story, although I did not get to nurse our babies I did lactate, my breasts are now about 3X their pre-lactation size.


  1. Its awful how just about everything can remind you about your loss, even something like a swim suit. I had the same thing happen with a purse. I had been waiting to buy a new purse because I knew I would need a diaper bag soon. But then the adoption fell through. When my purse strap broke, I bawled, simply because I was buying a new purse, instead of a diaper bag.

    1. I completely understand that - I am braced and more prepared for feeling terrible when conversations include babies, birth, pregnancy etc, but I am not good at handling the surprise moments through out my day.

  2. I'm sorry, sweetie.

    I do have to admit that while I was able to continue through the rest of the post, I pretty much had a heart attack at the idea of 75 crickets. That is my nightmare.

  3. Oh god, that's a lot of crickets and slugs. Add to that having to go into the nursery for bathing suit components and I don't know how you are functioning as well as you are. Adoption applications are beasts, so long and involved, and it sounds like you had a lot on your hands with the infestations, so maybe try again another day? I feel like after loss functioning is so relative, and takeout is better than grocery shopping. I couldn't stand grocery shopping because of all the tiny babies and left sooner than I'd planned a lot because I felt panicky from all the tiny babies. Or just doing normal things when life is NOT normal, that's hard too. I wish you peace and an end to the hideous infestation that requires mass murder. Blech.

  4. You deserve a medal for dealing with the crickets and slugs. Forget the other stuff; you can get to it another time. It sound so terribly hard. Hugs.

  5. I too am shuddering at the crickets and slugs.

    For what it's worth, I think grocery shopping is often overwhelming when we're in the midst of loss and grief and even recovery. You wouldn't believe the number of women who have told me they just couldn't face the supermarket. I was one of them too. You are not alone.

    Please don't feel you have to do anything more than you are doing - just functioning is a major victory right now.

  6. Killing bugs is a far less squeamish thing to do than what you have been through. It's when you walk through the world and it does not reflect the pain you feel in your heart - now that's painful.

  7. I shudder at the slugs, but the crickets are a little sadder. I am not sure why, if I could find the grasshoppers decimating my plants I would be squishing them.
    It's very hard coping, and it can be so frustrating, feeling like you are out of kilter with normal patterns.

    I hope your vacation helps.